Don't Call Me Gay

A case against labels.

‘Are you gay?’

The question felt like a punch to the gut. I was young and confused. And someone just stole a piece of me. How could such a simple question feel so violating?

What bothers me isn’t the unsolicited personal questions or lack of social etiquette; it's a problem with the word, ‘gay.’ It means so many things to so many people. I’m not a fan of labels — particularly this one — and in this post, I’m going to share why.

Generally speaking, labels can be helpful. For example, if I tell you about my ‘dog’, everyone knows what a ‘dog’ is. This shared understanding allows for efficient communication. In that sense, labels are shortcuts to complex information; they provide a framework for understanding and organizing our world.

But labels do more than just facilitate communication, labels can also help people feel like they belong. When someone else carries the same label, we feel connected to them by our shared experience. That’s all well and good, but that’s not why I take issue with the label, ‘gay’.

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There’s another side to this coin. Sometimes labels carry baggage that we don’t always want. Labels are powerful because they influence how we see ourselves and how we interact with the world. And for that reason, they can be problematic.

A label can become entrenched over time. When that happens, we run the risk of letting the labels become our identity. We conflate them. We all know people who seem to be defined by their sexuality — who wear it on their sleeve as the defining characteristic of who they are. But to be more precise, it’s just a part of their current and/or past experience.

That’s not to minimize anything; I think the challenge is that if our identity is tied to qualities, experiences, or titles that are fleeting or trivial, we set ourselves up for a potential crisis of meaning when circumstances change. This is especially true when we don’t know who we are — when we question our own identity — we risk overidentifying with labels to compensate. But labels are just tools. We shouldn’t let them become more than that.

For this reason, I’m sympathetic to a change in semantics: ‘I experience same-sex attraction’ versus ‘I’m gay’. But even then, that characterization risks flattening something complex into something oversimplified.

There’s a sort of undercurrent, a tendency, that can seduce us when we adopt labels. When we believe, ‘that’s just who I am’, labels can rob us of our individual responsibility and agency. I think of people who overidentify with mental health diagnoses, for example. If we let the labels define our limits, they can become an excuse to not try.

That resignation is devastating because those very labels meant to describe our experience can also prohibit us from growth or change. They can limit how we think of ourselves. If I’m gay, that closes the door on future possibilities — but in my experience, shedding this label has made a world of difference. It’s the precursor that opens the door to new possibilities.

Not only do labels impact how we see ourselves, but they impact how others see us. Labels are sneaky because as we project them, others begin to treat us accordingly; so we can become stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. If I tell you I’m gay, you may start treating me as such — so in a sad way, we end up putting each other in boxes, reinforcing stereotypes or expectations that may not fit.

And finally, labels inherently create boundaries – ‘us’ versus ‘them.’ They can lead to misjudgments based on assumptions about what someone should be like because of their label. A focus on labels is really a focus on our differences. And really, we have more in common with each other than we do different. I think there would be more understanding in the world if we focused on describing our experiences rather than relying solely on labels.

So, to answer the question, ‘are you gay?’

Eh, well I used to be attracted to guys, but not so much anymore. I want to be able to have a wife and kids of my own, but sometimes that feels out of reach. I’m growing, changing and learning about myself. I don’t want the burden of being placed in a box. I don’t want the pressure of having to define myself. I don’t have all the answers now, but I’m also ok with that.