I Want Kids the Old-Fashioned Way
Thoughts on longing, family and sacrifice
I spent the weekend camping with two friends. One of them brought his girlfriend. The other brought his two oldest boys. I brought my dog.
I was a little irritated when we got to the campsite, though. Campfire restrictions were in effect, and I spent the afternoon packing my car full of firewood. The kids didn’t seem to mind. They were perfectly content collecting rocks and watching insects. We had a good time.
The next morning we went on a short hike. One of the boys wanted me to carry him because there were too many pokey plants along the trail. I picked him up and set him on my shoulders. I probably wouldn’t have been so eager had I known how exhausting it’d be carrying around a 4-year-old.
My friend put his other boy on his shoulders too. Now I had to keep up. After about 20 minutes my shirt was stuck to my back and my shoulders were killing me. I wanted to set him back down. But I could tell that boy was so content sitting up there, I just had to keep walking.
I realized then how much dads do for their kids. My friend is a good example of this. He goes to work, has a terrible commute, but comes home with a smile. Always ready to play with the boys. I admire him for that.
A lot of people I know don’t want kids though. They see it as a burden. But for me, there’s nothing I want more than a family of my own. But there’s also nothing that feels more out of reach.
I’m not sure I like girls, how am I supposed to have a family of my own?
When I think of the future, I try to envision the best version of my self. Who is he? What does he do? How does he spend his time? And when I catch a glimpse of him, my chest swells because he’s all the things I aspire to be. All the things that I feel like I’m not. One of those things is a father.
But is the path I’m on now lead to fatherhood? I can’t expect look at men online then magically have a wife and kids one day. I can’t go down two paths at once.
I know a lot of gay men adopt or have surrogate children. But that seems to me like cheating. I want to get married to a woman. I want to be attracted to her. I want to raise a family together. And I want her to be a good mother. I can’t do that with another guy.
Part of me feels like that would be selfish — that I’d be robbing those children of their mother, all because I want to have kids myself. And maybe I’d be robbing that guy of the chance to have his own family too. But if I really care, I prioritize their wellbeing above my own longing. That’s what love is, right?
That’s what fathers are supposed to do. The kid’s needs come before their own comfort. They let them sit on their shoulders even when they ache. It’s what I admire most about men — their ability to stoically endure and endlessly sacrifice for those they love.
I’m trying to be that man. But I worry I’ll miss out on what I want most. The older I get, the more I want my own family. I want to protect them, provide for them, and love them. I want to see them grow. I want to give them a better childhood than the one I had.
I think camping this past weekend reminded me again of what I’m missing. I still believe in the nuclear family — even if it sometimes feels out of reach. I won’t force my way, though. It just might take me some time to get there.