I Want to Want to Date a Girl
And I want friendship first. Not sex.
I downloaded a dating app a few months ago but finally worked up the courage to set up a profile. I’m asked for my height. My gender. My interests. And a few pictures. Immediately I start feeling self-conscious because all the pictures I have are just selfies with my dog.
The prospect of being with a woman scares me. It’s something I want to want. But I have no idea how to get there.
I try and come up with a few bits about myself. But it all feels performative. Yes, I like sushi. Yes, I like hiking. I try to put my best foot forward — though it feels shacked. Who would want to date a guy who is unsure of his sexuality?
But I want this. So I power through the doubt. Immediately I realize I’m not attracted to at least 90% of the girls I see. Maybe more. But the ones I do think are pretty are also intimidating. I keep swiping and find a cute girl. But, as I look at her profile I’m kind of turned off by her pictures. I want a girl who respects, not objectifies, herself.
I want to see who she really is. I want to be able to make her laugh. I want to feel like I can trust her with my thoughts and feelings. I want to discover shared interests. I want to be friends first.
It needs to be genuine and intentional. I’m not trying to manufacture an attraction that’s not there. Forcing it would feel exhausting and inauthentic. I’d rather focus on building an enduring connection. One based on trust, laughter and mutual support.
I know when a girl is attractive, but I don’t really have those sexual feelings immediately. But I feel like she becomes more beautiful the more I get to know her. When I see how her mind works, how she treats others, how creative she is, what her interests are, etc. To me, that’s more sexy.
My relationship with women starts with an initial friendship first and then can grow into something more romantic. But in today’s hookup culture, it seems I’ve got it backwards… people want sex first, then maybe friendship later.
Is that the best way to form meaningful connection though? My sense is that a lot of guys who prioritize sex but are left with tenuous relationships built solely on physical attraction. I suspect this probably puts undue pressure on the women to prioritize physical appearance or even conflate it with self-worth. Not ideal for either party.
I don’t think I could play that game, even if I wanted to.
Taking things slow can take a lot of pressure off — especially for a guy who is not quite sure he likes girls. Rather than getting caught up trying to find the trying to find a wife, I’m really just trying to make friends. If things work out, great; maybe it can turn into something more. If not, that’s ok too.
And honestly, I think that’s probably a healthier, more sustainable approach to connection – something many men (and women, I think) want.
That’s not to discount physical attraction — that’s important too. I need to feel drawn to her also. Sexual intimacy is an important part of any romantic relationship. But I’m just saying that, for me, a deeper connection opens the doors to something more. And frankly, I don’t think it’d work the other way around.
So really, I just want to make friends with a cute girl and see if it turns into something more.
But it order for that to happen, it’s got to be friendship first. I’m not trying to just white-knuckle it for the sake of being with a girl. It needs to be genuine. It wouldn’t be fair to her otherwise. The romantic piece can follow later.
For me, it’s about laying a solid foundation – building the walls before putting up the roof.