Not Gay, Just a Hug

Thoughts on same-sex platonic affection

I chugged my water not realizing how thirsty I was. The trail was longer than I had expected. And the sun stubbornly wouldn’t set. It was almost 8PM and I was still getting sunburnt. We had just finished a 4-mile loop.

I had invited a new friend to go on a hike this past week. It was a good change of pace to get out of the house on a weekday. I’m sure my dog liked it too.

Work was particularly rough that day, but at least I felt somewhat accomplished after the hike. Walking back to the car, he said we should do it again. I nodded in agreement, thinking of the other (hopefully shorter) hikes we could do. Before I could respond, he pulled me in and gave me a hug.

It caught me off-guard. Suddenly I was aware of how sweaty I felt. He didn’t seem to mind though. But we both smelled terrible.

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The experience got me thinking about how straight men seem comfortable showing their platonic affection through physical touch, like wrestling or putting their arms around each other. Or in this case, giving hugs.

That’s never come naturally to me. But I think it’s something I always wanted. I’ve always admired how they seem to be at ease with one another. I, on the other hand, was generally scared of other guys as a kid. I’d almost get tense around them, as if I couldn’t relax. So instead, I’d admire them from afar, wishing to be one of them.

Over time though, that longing intensified, driven by an emotional need that was never met. During puberty I soon found myself more interested in men than women. And since then, it’s taken many years to come to the understanding I have now.

There’s something instinctual about physical touch between same-sex peers: a deep biological need to feel seen and accepted. With boys, you see them roughhouse and give each other a pat on the shoulder. With girls, you see them holding hands or playing with each other’s hair. To a certain extent we all have hard-wired emotional cravings for physical contact with our same-sex peers.

And when we get older, those emotional cravings don’t go away. You see it with guys messing around in the locker room or girls cuddling during a movie night. Though nowadays it seems like opportunities for platonic intimacy are stifled by judgement. Physical touch is influenced by societal norms. And in today’s oversexualized culture, we sometimes conflate platonic intimacy with sexual intent. And that has certainly impacted my own trajectory.

Growing up, platonic affection — which is natural and healthy — was never received or given. I wanted a best friend, a brother. Someone to have my back. Someone I could make laugh. But the last thing I wanted was to be called ‘gay’. And so perhaps in an effort not to be perceived that way, I never got close with anyone. I starved myself from the getting those emotional needs met. And ironically in doing so, only added fuel to the fire.

I mostly see men as my peers now, not as potential sexual partners. And I’m learning there are more enduring ways to get those emotional needs met. Maybe platonic intimacy is just one piece of the puzzle. A piece I’d been missing for a long time.

Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Those emotional wounds are relational in nature. And so it makes sense that healing likewise takes place relationally. In other words, I need my male friends.

So maybe it’s ok to get a smelly hug from them every now and then. And in some way, maybe that’s healing for the both of us.