Stuck Single

Is my future with a guy or a girl?

Some days I can see myself with a girl. She’s maybe a little shorter than me. Smart. She doesn’t try hard, but she’s very pretty. She’s got a wicked sense of humor.

I picture us going on hikes and picnics. Walking the dog together. Making dinner together. Watching a movie together.

I don’t even like cooking, but I’d make dinner for her. I’d do the dishes too.

I imagine what it would be like if we had two kids. I’d work a dead-end job every day, but come home with a smile knowing I get to see them. I’d read them bedtime stories and tuck them in.

Together, we could go on vacations, play games, go camping. She and I would stress over the kids. Wondering if we’re doing enough. It’d be so fun to watch them grow. But we’re also growing too.

I’d be completely smitten.

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Other days, my future feels different. I’m not with her anymore. Rather, I’m with another guy. He’s tall and handsome. More attractive than me. He is ambitious.

Maybe we go to the gym together or go camping. But I can’t really picture us doing a lot of couple stuff together.

I like him. But I’m more interested in him sexually than I am romantically.

We have our own careers, but not many shared goals. I want to have kids, but he doesn’t. He and I end up with a dog that I take care of more than he does.

Eventually, that desire fades as we get to know each other more. Then I feel alone again.

These scenarios play out in my head. Different variations. Different outcomes.

What does life have in store for me? How much choice do I get? How can I choose my own adventure when the path I want to take feels blocked?

Instead, I’m at a crossroads. Stuck. Paralyzed by feelings inconsistent with my desire.

Sometimes I tell myself that intimacy is just one part of a relationship, right? There are lots of other things that make a relationship work: friendship, communication, spiritual compatibility. When I think about being with someone — I feel as though I have bits and pieces of what can make a successful relationship. With a girl, the sexual intimacy piece intimidates me. With a guy, I can’t really see a future where we grow old together.

And so now I’m left straddling the fence as my mind torments me with possible futures. Time continues to go by quicker. And I’m left living an intentional but lonely life.

But perhaps I’m overthinking this. Maybe I should go on some dates and see what unfolds. I want to find a girl, but worry she won’t understand. How do I even talk to her about this stuff? Will my skeletons in the closet scare her away?

Then again, how will I know if I don’t try? I’d like to see the path ahead, but for now I’ll have to be satisfied with uncertainty.

And if you find yourself with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, know that you’re not alone.