The Guys
On finding grounding and belonging in male friendships
The older I get the harder it is to maintain friendships. Most of my guy friends are married with children. And once they’re married, they fall off the earth.
I’ll send a text periodically to see how they are. Sometimes I get a response a few days later. Sometimes I don’t hear back. I try not to take things personally and remind myself they’re probably doing more important things (like working non-stop to provide for their family).
But when I do see my boys, they give me something I’m not able to get on my own. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I come away more calm, grounded and confident.
Those rare moments together are gold— not necessarily for the time spent, but for how I feel. We’ll hike, work on cars, or play video games and I feel recharged. Hanging out is great, but it’s the connection that moves me. Sometimes, it sounds something like this:
“My wife and I are getting a divorce.”
“My dad has cancer”
“I can’t afford to quit my job.”
These moments aren’t planned or forced. They emerge organically from a mutual trust. Unspoken anxieties naturally surface. No pretense. No fear of judgement. Suddenly we feel more connected because what we’re saying is, I trust you.
Responses are rarely profound. I don’t often come away from those exchanges feeling I have an answer to my problems, or that I was able to help a friend. But I do come away feeling seen. When we allow ourselves be seen — when the guard comes down — we open ourselves up to a kind of healing that’s not possible in a vacuum. That emotional vulnerability is a precursor to feeling acceptance… to feeling like we belong.
There was a time in my life where I didn’t have this. I didn’t know what I was missing. Most of my friends were girls. I could relate to them and we could sit around and talk about feelings. But I didn’t have close male friendships. Guys scared me a little. I wasn’t comfortable around them. So I never let them get close, even though that’s what I wanted.
Looking back, I realize something crucial was missing – a different kind of support. I’m learning I need my male friendships. Despite being myself, I’m energized when I feel their acceptance. I need that affection. That’s not a criticism of my friendships with women. I think those are important too, but in a different way. What I’m getting at is how important it is to feel like I’m one of the guys. To simply belong.
That feeling doesn’t solve everything, but it seems to make life run smoother. It gives me an enhanced capacity to tackle my challenges. Those friendships provide a source of quiet resilience. They’re like a pressure-release valve when life gets tough.
And so I’m trying to make an effort to maintain these relationships. As life gets busier, that means I need to try harder. Because they’re precious. Because I feel like he believes in me, maybe I can believe in myself — and that makes a big difference.